letting go
“7/2/20 7:50 am Kissimmee
moving on. i’ve been thinking about this idea, this intentional action, a lot recently. throughout my life, there has been a clear pattern of an inability to let go. let go of thoughts, feelings, people, experiences. i cling to them for dear life, fearing what would happen if i let them go. the falling into an abyss of change. of newness. how would it change my life? how would it change my thoughts? how would it change me? i possess an insatiable desire to experience life. to ‘feel the rapture of being alive.’ though i’ve neglected the impact holding on has. it leaves you stagnant, desperate, and anxious. no more. i’m letting go.”
the first entry of my latest journal. july 2, 2020. as i approach the last two pages of unwritten, i almost don’t want to write on them… it’s as if i am procrastinating until the words have no choice
but to spill from my hands
on their own accord.
nonetheless. i’ve been reading back through the entries and i found it funny, letting go is the Most Common theme.
and yet,
i stated the need time and time again.
as i shared to the abyss of lines and pages, i’ve always struggled with attachments and letting go. just a few weeks ago, at work, my coworker came across a tiny lost rhinoceros, his assortment he belonged to had been “as-is”ed weeks ago. she approached me and said “for you!” and placed it gently into my hand. i admired the rhino, sharing how cute he was. then i looked back up at her and asked what she wanted me to do with it. “oh you can just throw him out.” immediately i had a feeling of shock and even sympathy for this little guy. i asked in disbelief, “throw him out?!” and well, now…
he resides comfortably in my apron pocket.
this is a silly example of something that has actually had devastating consequences for me throughout my lifetime, especially within the past few years. i just view relationships- the state of connection-
so highly.
i think to connect with a place or another person or idea in any form on a deep or intimate level is one of our greatest capabilities as human beings. but just because a relationship or opportunity means so much to us,
that doesn’t mean the value is reciprocated.
and that’s okay.
i firmly believe my personality was engineered to entertain babies and children aged 10 and below and seniors aged 55 and up. i could listen to them talk for hours. they all hold so much within them. those of my senior,
so much experience.
so much wisdom.
their eyes have seen so much,
their skin has felt the beautiful wonders of aging and the warmth of the sun. i find myself captivated each and every time. i treasure the experiences, truly. the opportunity to hear of their story. that they felt some kind of connection to me that made them want to share that specific part of their life. this process really affects me as it relates to my grandparents. a couple weekends ago, my family took a mini-beach vacation in celebration of my graduation. the condo we rented had a cute little porch where my grandmother spent majority of her time. i’d go out when she was alone and she’d start gushing about how much she loves the beach and how she can’t wait to move to pensacola in a few years. it was in these moments i most vividly remember.
feeling the warmth of the sun, while protected by the shade of the awning.
the smell of her burning cigarette.
the way she would cycle through excitement in her tone and trailing off, conflicted between everyone else and herself. in her soon to be dated sixty years of life (next week, in fact), she has spent majority of it taking care of other people.
being a mom.
a wife.
a grandmother.
a friend.
a sister.
a daughter.
and she adored playing each of her parts in others’ lives- she still does.
but she has gone above and beyond for each and everyone, oftentimes neglecting herself in the process. she loves fiercely, works harder than anyone else in the room, and knows her worth and won’t tolerate anything less.
if anyone deserves everything they want of this life, it’s her. she deserves that
and so much more.
and so does my grandfather.
they deserve to pursue beyond moving to the quicksand-ridden town that is lake city a mere thirty years prior.
but listening to her was like unraveling a roll of yarn to then ball it. she spoke of her job. she spoke of her childhood, of all her lifetimes past. she yarned into her and palpal’s plans for five years into the future.
i sat mesmerized, offering only questions and encouragements of going on.
i reference the stories of my grandmother to present an overarching theme of:
well, the experience of life and letting go.
i have found such comfort in those of my senior;
hearing or witnessing their experiences of failure, heartbreak, joy, love, success, promotions, firings, career changes.
you find yourself looking at them through a whole new lens.
i mean, at one point, they were my age.
they were-
me.
and they went through all of the same things i did- and more . to hear of the things that have happened in their lives, of the things they went through, and seeing where it has led them, is so- comforting.
and beautiful. and mind-boggling. and reality-defying. and every other adjective in the english language.
people lose jobs: all of the time.
people go through heartbreaks: all of the time.
couples break up after 2 months of dating. one year of dating. 7 years. there are people that have been happily married practically their entire lives and get divorced at the age of 80!
people face failure and rejection: all of the time.
now, this isn’t to be viewed as a “look at what other people are going through and appreciate your life, because It Could Be Worse!” not that at all. in fact, i think that argument is
well, bogus.
not only is it extremely invalidating, but i’m not sure your appreciation for life has secure or healthy roots if it is in nothing more than the misery of others.
rather, this is to say that it is
normal.
what are the commonalities between each of these seemingly failures?
people 2. all of the time
to be human is to fail, to make mistakes. to be human is to go through this experience of failure as someone is experiencing their peak of success. to experience fulfillment as others seek meaning. to be in the same chapter of your life as someone on the other side of the world.
to be human is to connect through these experiences. and know the comfort in
we all go through them
it is simply a
part of life.
and it does get better- even if it is not in the way that you envisioned it.
you can’t change the past, for once it has past- it is Gone.
but, you can change the implications for the future.
if you keep holding on to that person. that bare minimum opportunity. that idea. that thing
it’ll do nothing more than continue to hold you down.
so you must,
let go.
i’ve said it once and i’ll say it again, the only permanent individual in Your lifetime is yourself. no matter what happens, as long as you are
in this body
on this earth
in this dimension-
you will always be you.
as discussed in a previous posting, “who are you?” the You is created by a combination of your genetics, everything you have ever experienced, and everything you will ever experience. these experiences play into what is called attachment styles, which affect your ability to let go.
as according to the book attached: the new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find- and keep- love, authored by amir levine and rachel heller, there are three main attachment styles:
anxious, avoidant, and secure.
there is a fourth, rarer (occurring in a mere 3-5% of the population) style, referred to as anxious-avoidant, which finds itself to be a combination of the anxious and the avoidant attachment styles.
this book is a read i highly suggest to all. it specifically applies attachment styles as they relate to romantic relationships, however, i’d like to function under the applicability to relationships as a whole (with people, places, ideas, etc.), due to the overbounding nature of how our experiences shape us. this flows into the basis of the theory, in that no one actually knows the root of our attachment styles.
there are simply too many factors, the factors are as multi-dimensioned as we are as people. two of the most noted are as followed.
your upbringing: the way your parents interact with and take care of you as a child, though studies show inconsistent data regarding this factor.
your romantic relationships throughout your lifetime: how you are treated in your romantic relationships. your style can change over time, due to the objective, shear power of relationships.
the difference between these styles lies in their views regarding intimacy, attitudes towards sex, communication, and expectations within the relationship and of their partner.
the first of the three attachment styles is the anxious attachment style.
the key characteristics of someone with this attachment style are worry regarding their partner’s feelings and longing for intimacy. these conditions are expressed in behavior of passive boundaries, struggles with explaining desires, getting consumed with the relationship, sensitive to changes within their partner and the relationship, and feeling they need to always be working harder for the relationship (overcompensating). anxious attachment individuals are often found to be accompanied with an inability to let go. relationships consume them to the extent that when they end, they feel lost and struggle with letting it go. this style also employs activating strategies, “any thought or feelings that compel you to get close, physically or emotionally, to your partner” when this occurs. This involves preoccupation of one’s mind with the individual, viewing them through rose colored lenses [because, in the words of animated character wanda pierce, “when you look at someone through rose-colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags” (bojack horseman, season 2: episode 10)], separation anxiety, and remaining in the situation even if you are unhappy in thoughts of “they’ll change” or if you let them go they will simply be better for someone else.
the second of the three attachment styles is the avoidant attachment style.
i am going to directly quote the book for the key characteristics of this style, for i feel it captivates it in its entirety:
“avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.”
some additional characteristics include ignoring your partner’s emotional cues, repressing your feelings towards them, and mistaking one’s self reliance for independence. those with avoidance practice deactivating strategies, as opposed to the activating of anxious. deactivating strategies are any action that serves a purpose of distancing. some of these strategies include rejecting commitment and yet remaining in a long term relationship, persistently pining for an ex, fixating on the flaws of your partner, leaving your feelings and circumstances ambiguous, “checking out mentally,” and diappearing when things start going too well.
the third and final attachment style is the secure attachment style. this is, of course, the style most aligned with healthy and happy relationships. Some key characteristics of a secure attachment style include reliability, consistency, and comfort with intimacy. some of the behaviors that are found within this style are effective communication, close intimacy leading to closer intimacy, introduction to friends and family, and a lack of playing games.
oftentimes, reading through the descriptions of each attachment style it is easy to see where you lay. however, there are many available sources to help you determine which you belong within. this book, for one, has tests for yourself and your partner. there are also many online options- all at a google search’s touch.
i’ve done the tests. i’ve read the book. i’ve looked within. i’ve sat with the feelings and realizations. i can conclude that though, i have found myself to practice avoidant attachment style traits in some instances, my overarching theme was that of an anxious attachment style. personally, when words fail to explain, these songs i feel captivate some of my past experiences with this style:
“mirrorball” or “tolerate it” by taylor swift
“liability” or “writer in the dark” by lorde
“drew barrymore” by sza
“enough for you” (or “happier” or “traitor” or “drivers license” or “good 4 u” or “favorite crime” or “1 step forward 3 steps back” ; truly the entire album SOUR) by olivia rodrigo
“white ferrari” by frank ocean
“we don’t have to take our clothes off” by ella eyre
“are you bored yet?” by wallows and clairo
when i say experiences, i don’t just mean as it relates to romantic relationships of my past. as i stated previously, i truly believe attachment styles can be applied to all areas of life. and i think we can have different attachment styles for our different areas of relation, dependent in part on our areas of security (e.g. secure relationship with academic opportunity if you are secure in your intelligence, avoidant style with beginning anew because of insecurity in meeting new people, etc.). of course, this is with no scientific or study-backing.
but it simply… makes sense to me.
at least it does within my own life,
because it can really go beyond into what i found to be my method for navigating platonic relationships, my relationship with work, and my relationship with opportunity in general. i held onto everything. terrified of the idea of being alone or confronted with failure.
holding on just felt so
safe
comfortable
it just felt like something i needed to do. even in the ruins, i remained. because i just have such an open perspective to the end of relationships and opportunities. i truly believe that what’s meant will return. in the words of (the) dolly parton (of my subconscious in an apparently very vivid dream, because i could not find her being quoted as saying this Anywhere),
“second chances are my favorite kind!”
here’s the thing:
everyone is going through shit.
Everyone.
and sometimes it becomes too overwhelming- so some people avoid. abandon. behave aggressively. and this can cause others to start acting out. work harder towards the relationship or project, going beyond their boundaries. i have found that more often than not, how someone treats you is more of a reflection of how they feel within themselves and their circumstances than of you. now, don’t get me wrong, this isn’t to excuse treating someone like shit. it’s not their fault that you’re going through a hard time and they deserve to be treated with care and respect.
in other words: this ideology is not to be applied to that ex that cheated on you or treated you like shit over and over again for years. or that friend who never once respected your boundaries. or that job that keeps reeling you in just to cut the line.
otherwise,
just because something didn’t work out the first time, doesn’t mean it never will. especially in terms of interpersonal connections. we are constantly changing and growing into new people. who’s to say that the new people are not meant to begin again?
the application to the “in other words” disclaimer produces two fallacies if not abided. one, it can cause people to fall into unhealthy cycles of giving chance after chance to someone who abuses it. two, it can cause people to cling to this sense of false hope- they keep holding onto the potential they saw in the opportunity and it blinds them to all anew.
i know these fallacies well, for i functioned within them for years of my life. only within the past year have i realized i had neglected the most important part of the formula of this life
letting go.
so…
now what?
now what, indeed.
the text states that only about 25% of adults change their attachment style over a four year period, because
most people are not even aware.
however, if you have identified your style and become aware:
awareness means nothing if it isn’t accompanied with change.
just as words mean nothing if they aren’t backed up with action.
as such, if you find yourself among either insecure attachment style, you might have found a struggle with letting go in the past.
whether it be remaining attached or letting go too consistently, too soon.
there are intentional ways to navigate yourself from insecure styles to secure, with the most notable being the practice of effective communication. effective communication is broken down into five principles:
wear your heart on your sleeve
focus on your needs
be specific
do not assign blame
be assertive
this has to be done with two goals in mind: selecting healthy relationships (with people, opportunities, etc.) and ensuring the desires and needs are met and reciprocated for both parties.
you just have to let go. it’s so interesting, as i have began practicing letting go. as i have found my Self. as i have pursued myself. as i have found closure to be something you find within
: i see more traits of security within myself.
let go of your past. your ideals tied to all that could be of the future.
the past no longer exists and the future never will. for when it becomes the present, there will be a new future. we will be in a perpetual chase for the rest of time.
are you happy with where you are?
with that dead end job that does nothing more than make you miserable.
that relationship you’re in because you think it’s what you’re supposed to do.
ask yourself:
why are you holding on?
is this actually what you want?
or are you just holding on because of
nostalgia? some masochistic fear of good things happening to you?
because it’s safe? easy? comfortable?
all you’re doing is allowing it to weigh you down
letting go can be hard.
of people. places. dreams. opportunity. jobs.
everything that’s important in this life is.
but the liberating feeling once you finally do.
the thrill of going after what you want.
the ability you gain in turn to “feel the rapture of being alive.”
it makes it all worth it.
letting go is worth it.
