valentine’s day

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love. in middle school, i loved john green. i read nearly every novel of his, kept them all organized on my shelf by year of publication. i had boards on pinterest dedicated to my adoration of them. my favorite, however, was the 2006 “an abundance of katherines;” a book about a prodigy that only dated girls by the name of katherine. in search of a “eureka” moment to maintain his elite intellectual status, collin devises a mathematical formula to attempt to predict the outcome of all relationships.1 though it has been years since i've reread it, one quote has stuck with me- branded in my mind for all of time. translated into french from irish novelist james joyce, the quote goes,

"amour aime aimer amour!"2

love loves to love love.


i love love. i always have. but, what is love? a question posed in song. in psychology. in churches. it is one of the most complex questions endeavored. 

is it a feeling?

a chemical reaction?

a persistent decision?

a state of being?

i find myself down a rabbit hole of curiosity. i truly do not believe words could ever even begin to fathom the experience of love. to love someone, to love something, to love an idea. it is consuming. it is tragic. it is beautiful. it is blinding. it is vulnerability. it is intimacy. it is the greatest thing we are capable of. but, if this is all truly the case (as twitter user @venusized posed) why are so many of us facing this weekend with such sorrow?3

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valentine’s day.


a day to show your significant other how much you love them. how much they mean to you. through time, words, acts, gifts. instagram feeds will be flooded with the faces of happy couples. can’t you picture it already? girlfriends beaming next to a dozen roses. defying the bounds of the web and practically being able to smell the new cologne a boyfriend is wearing.

the idea has always made me scoff. deep down, i might be a suppressing hopeless romantic, but i have never been a fan of valentine’s day. even the two of my teenaged years spent with a partner. the exploitation of something like love by large companies for profit has filled me to the brim with disgust. and frankly, it still does. in my adult years, though, i have found the anti-capitalist disgust to be seasoned with utter bitterness.

since my freshman year of high school, i have had a plan. i was to meet, befriend, and then date someone throughout undergrad. and only after i graduated with my master’s, knew them for at least five years, and dated them for at least three of those years that we would get married. 









well, here we are, in my final semester of undergrad.

it is very clear That Is Not going to happen.







previously it had allowed for the cultivation of resentment towards this holiday and everyone who gets to celebrate. only within the past year have i broken ground and dug into these feelings and oh, the artifacts of the excavation. i now recognize this so-called plan as an idealization inspired by my upbringing. but notice i mentioned having resentment towards the people “who get to celebrate.” who in the hell Dictates who gets to celebrate valentine’s day?






and that, much like collin in “an abundance of katherines,” was my “eureka” moment.





in 1960, c.s. lewis described four types of love derived from the ancient greek, found in the bible; affection, charity, romantic, and friendship.4 since then, some have made attempts to expand upon these, most seeming to reference john alan lee’s (canadian psychologist in the 1970s) theory of there being three primary types of love and three secondary types of loves.5 again, it is difficult to categorize something as convoluted as love. however, if we were to entertain this theory, in total there would be six types of love. Six Types of Love. and you are telling me that valentine’s day can only be reserved for One of them?!

now, there could be an attempt to argue this within a historical framework, looking at the possible origins of the holiday of st. valentine’s day. however, this opens an entire whirlwind of discrepancy. was it created to celebrate the saint that would marry couples when it was outlawed? the one that fell in love with his jailer’s daughter and sent her letters of endearment? or merely born of the christianization of a pagan holiday celebrating fertility? the truth is, no one truly knows. and, as a result, the romantic emphasis on this holiday has been perpetuated for such an extensive period of time.

so yeah, OF COURSE you’re going to feel like shit on valentine’s day if you lack romantic love!!!

however, i pose a change this year. i motion the taking of this opportunity to celebrate love in its every form, everywhere it bears presence. starting within the bounds of self. 

the movement towards the widespread encouragement of self love in recent years is long overdue, with cries of “love yourself first ! always practice radical self love ! you can’t pour from an empty cup ! ” it could begin to sound mundane and almost unimportant at this point, because you get so used to hearing it from the echo chamber. but

you have to move past the repetition of the words and actually put it into practice.

i mean, there is only one person on this earth that lives with the consequences of your every decision. one person that goes through everything that you go through. one person that you know is going to be there your entire life. : You. how long can you continue justifying to yourself your ability to love temporary people and things, but neglect showing that same love to yourself?


so use this valentine’s day. begin to explore the depths of yourself. the capacity you have to love yourself. the capacity you have to love others.

indulge in your passions.

meditate.

create something.

write down a list of everything you love about yourself.

be vulnerable with someone, tell them the words you’ve been clinging to within.

make plans to spend quality time with a friend or a small group of friends.

eat your favorite meal.

go watch the movements of the sun from the beach.

take your dog to run rampant in the park.

call your grandparents.

send your mom flowers.

buy yourself flowers.

just… try not to be bitter. some people find romantic love at 17. others at 50. and many find it over and over again. you don’t even know the mysteries of today, let alone what is to come for the rest of your life. bear in mind too, just because you don’t have it now doesn’t mean you never will. but don’t waste your life away in constant pursuit. There Is More To Life than finding a romantic partner. There Is More To Valentine’s Day than celebrating a romantic partner. There Is More To Love than experiencing it for a romantic partner.

There. Is. More. So Much More.

so, happy valentine’s day. to you, myself, and all of the love that surrounds.

some of the valentines i made for my siblings, parents, and dearest gals

some of the valentines i made for my siblings, parents, and dearest gals


1John Green, An Abundance of Katherines. New York City, New York: Penguin Books, 2006.

2James Joyce, Ulysses. Paris, France: Shakespeare and Company, 1922.

3juno, “no way a day meant for love and being with the ones you love should make y'all feel that sad & lonely 😕.” Twitter. @venusized, January 26, 2021. https://twitter.com/venusized/status/1354147138171772931.

4C. S. Lewis, The Four Loves. Boston, Massachusetts: Mariner Books/Houghton Mifflin Harcourt, 1960.

5John Alan Lee, Colours of Love: An Exploration of the Ways of Loving. Toronto, Ontario: New Press, 1973.

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