leaving 20.
on my 20th birthday, i asked the members of my private story what they learned in their 20th year.
“don’t date someone from your hometown,” oddly enough was the most common response.
and that is what i offer to you all.
that’s it.
close your laptops, exit out of the tab on your phone.
… ah, if only it were so simple. now, i cannot confirm nor deny this most seemingly essential piece of advice for all 20 year olds, but i Can speak from my experience.
in My year of 20 i experienced everything from graduating college to having bright purple hair. in that time, between what i gained from others and found myself, i learned a lot. as such, what better stream of thought than 20 of the things i learned in those 365 days. a “i lived through 20, so you don’t have to!!” of sorts.
now, most of you have lived through your 20th year; hell, even a couple years beyond. but who knows? maybe you’ll find something amongst the rubble of my first of the roaring 20s.
1. The Most Fearful. ive never feared death, always cautiously reckless. though, with age, it’s romanticized the borderline. i want so much of this life. i want to live it. i want to feel it. this wanting has always been so intense that ive had this compulsive need for most of my life to Get To every stage. and then... i couldn’t reach them. i didn’t reach all of them in time. or, the ones that i did reach, left me questioning.. “is that it?”
only within this year did i realize it’s time.
running out of it, being late to it, being screwed by it. in my 19th year, i expressed to people that my biggest fear was the uns. the things left unsaid. dreams left undone. people left feeling unloved- the unfinished business. in 20, i dug deeper and found it all boiled down to time. within my last week of 20, i watched the movie interstellar. it was long overdue, for the movie hit me like a train. i laughed, i cried, i thought, i cried, and… i cried. i felt So much. a quote to encapsulate this came from one dr. brand: “i’m not afraid of death. [i’m an old physicist] i’m afraid of time.”1
i’m afraid of time.
2. Vienna Waits For You. as i have learned that of one, i’ve contradictorily found number 2. you still Have time. you’ll always have it, because life will always be there. life will be there, until it is not. and then, it won’t matter anymore. because the emergence from life into death is characterized by a lack of know. all we are is dust in the wind.2
this time is all of your own. just because someone is at a different tick of the clock, doesn’t mean you won’t make it as well, or that you don’t Deserve to be there. i talked with one of my closest about this eight months into my time. i asked her, what if something that you wanted more than anything came around at a time you weren’t ready? and, because you weren’t ready, it didn’t work out. imagine how much more of a blow that would be than the longing to catch up, neglecting your experience of now. billy joel said it best when he said, “slow down! you’re doing fine! you can’t be everything you wanna be before your time.”3
3. To Yeehaw. i rejected country music from the age of 15 onward. what many people do not know of me was two years before that. the 8th grader that wanted a truck when she was older.
that awoke in the mornings and got ready to cmt’s hot 20 countdown.
that wore bootcut jeans and owned three pairs of boots.
connecting with one of my oldest hearts, we got into her dad’s truck where the jason aldean cd from all those years ago began playing. in the daylight, the same lady a song we used to sing in her mom’s living room. it was such warm nostalgia. i’ve always had a yeehaw playlist (a sadhaw one too), but it remained almost untouched for a long time. but in the year of 20, i’ve probably listened to it more than any time before. when fishing, when driving, when working out. now it’s not my favorite, nor do i listen to it all the time. but i think
sometimes you just need the yeehaw.
4. To Be Alone. aloneness doesn’t have to be lonely.
i found and lost and found again that my favorite person to spend time with was… me.
my dearest asked me, “how do you do it? how do you spend so much time with yourself?”
and i answered as i have when asked before. it began as forced. i was physically alone and, frankly, Miserable in it. i realized i had a choice. to continue being miserable Or find a way out of it. after trial and error (and a lot of games of solitaire and many drives to cocoa beach), i just figured it out. and i was fine- happy even. reading in the park, hiking at blackbear, thrifting, cooking from scratch, crystal shops, watching my favorite shows, the gym. but before i found those things- within that trial and error- i began with the things i was used to doing with other people. i enjoyed it with them, so i should be able to enjoy it on my own.. right?
oh how the virgo falters.
see, i found the things i once enjoyed left me feeling empty, sadder even. i was so focused on the fact that i was now doing all of those things alone. it wasn’t until she asked that i realized the significance of this; the key i unlocked within my subconscious all those months ago. why i was so able to do it. i enjoyed those things because
I Was Doing It With Another.
i loved the experience with company. to see Them enjoy the experience. to feel the presence of another with me. so, of course i wasn’t going to feel the same joy when i was doing it alone. i had to find things I enjoyed doing. i had to go about intentionally doing things i wasn’t used to doing with others. and there it was,
Fulfillment in my alone.
5. How To Bake Cookies. i adore baking. to put on my apron that says “bakers gonna bake,” listen to music of soft, and dance about the kitchen as i combine an array of sweet ingredients. it was once among my predominant ways of showing people i care about them. but one thing i have never been successful at was- cookies. i dreaded even the thought. every time it ended in charcoiled disaster, a saltiness of the sea, or a gooey mess. three months into 20, i decided i will fail no more. to the sound of tyler childers’ “feathered indians” on repeat, i conducted an experimental bake. using the same homemade dough and control temperature of 325, i created groups within the variables of cooking time and cooking material (parchment paper and tin foil). in case anyone was wondering, parchment paper for ten minutes: success.
6. Matter. a building block, that of which takes up space.
what matters to you? what takes up space in your mind? in your life.
nothing inherently matters until you Make it matter.
you choose what matters to you.
this idea helped me a lot with any general anxiety i had, existential thought, and everything in between. you decide your reality. decide wise.
7. Meant. are we meant to do things? are we meant to be with other people? meant to meet other people?
flowing from number six, these questions plagued my mind. i’d like to think it.
think it within energy.
a few weeks into 20, i shared with that of my peers,
“I believe that there is something more than what we know. I’m unsure if I would describe it as a place, a space, or world; I simply believe there is more. There could be alternative infinite dimensions to reflect the infinite possible outcomes of events or decisions. And these dimensions could all be simultaneously coming to fruition and collapsing. In reference to our particular dimension, I have been toying with the idea of a field of energy existing. The theory lies in the basis of each human being possessing a soul. My theory holds that our souls are simply concentrations of energy that allow for abstract thought and (a) conscience. Perhaps each individual’s soul radiates on a frequency that we are unable to visually or audibly detect and energy matching/complementing is how humans form human connection. The theory would regard that other animals do not possess souls, rather the soul might be an evolutionary adaptation exclusive to humanity. Though other animals might have receptors for these different concentrations of energies. This would explain why we are able to form bonds with other species and why pets are often noted as being able to ‘detect ghosts.’ Acting within this theory, the energy field acts like the magnetic field. However, as I stated, I am toying with the idea. Honestly, I do not have any evidence or any level of certainty to this theory.”
as my year went on, my thoughts still walk this trail. grappling with the lack of certainty, it’s interesting to my mind to try to unfold.
that, and, "if the accident will." 4
8. Dark Hair Is My Color (Though I Can Pull Off Purple). i had purple hair for the first four months, dark hair for two, and then it grew to be my color of natural. only a week ago did i decide to surprise all with dying my hair shades darker. each time my hair has been darker, i’ve felt a little more like myself. it has hints of red in the sun, deep brown in the day, and nearly black in the night. it’s nice, really. my mom said lighter hair reminds her of me in my younger days, darker hair reminds her of my aging. as if i am of her senior. but, it made sense to me.
it Makes sense to me.
9. And Bangs. i’ve always wondered about bangs. i never had the “mom gave me straight bangs” experience as a kid. then, one night nine months into my year, i decided to wonder no more. i bought a $19.97 pair of hair scissors from sally’s and Did It. gave myself bangs. it felt as a year prior when i cut my almost hip length hair to my collar bone. freeing. confidence oozing. (for all those wondering, yes the combination of 8 and 9 have caused “you look like that one woman…. ZOOEY!” many a more times.)
10. The Perpetual Pursuit.
the future doesn’t exist.
what?
you read me.
the future does not, will not exist.
we will never Be in the future. for when what we thought it to be arrives, it becomes the present.
as such, it’s a perpetual pursuit.
we are chasing after the future with our thoughts, anxieties, and concerns.
why are we so concerned? why do we center our lives around “when it arrives.” it’s important to have goals, perhaps even make an outline of a plan. but even more to :
live for the present with considerations of the future.
not the other way around.
and when things don’t work out, we tell ourselves we have to totally create a new path for ourselves and our future.
but the truth is.. if something doesn’t work out, it was never going to. that dimension collapsed long ago.
11. Growth Is Painful. growth is loss. growth is healing. growth is confronting. it can feel like a bitch. at midnight on my 20th birthday, i journaled to the sound of louis armstrong’s “la vie en rose,” reflecting on the year’s past. i wrote, “is all the growth worth what i’ve lost? what i’ll continue to lose?… i can’t pose an answer. i… i really don’t know.”
and a year later, i think ive found it. with growth comes power. comes experience. comes wisdom. awareness. knowledge. Self. deeper connections. with growth, comes life. and life is worth it all.
12. Let Go. the loss in growth most often involves letting go. of people. of missed opportunities. of feelings. of experience. i honestly believed i was never going to be able to let go. but it was weighing me down.
if i never let go, it would be as to tie my feet to rocks and drowned.5
13. Closure Is Within. i found the only times i thought of or discussed the idea of closure were when i felt i didn’t receive it.
what is closure anyway?
an apology? a conversation of all that went wrong?
i realized i struggled with letting go, because i felt i needed closure.
with people, plans, opportunities. i’d idealize make believe (or metaphorical) plans of going to get coffee and having a heartfelt conversation. only then,
when i got up from the table, and walked out of that coffee shop,
would i be able to move on.
and of course it Never happened. and more than likely,,, it never will.
i had to find the closure inside of myself.
i had to decide closure, to acknowledge the end. this involved recalling all i experienced, looking within and analyzing all that i was responsible, and taking notice of all of the things i felt.
14. You Don’t Have To Stay. if you’re not happy, you can leave. you don’t have to stay, because you think that’s what you’re supposed to do. or it’s what others want of you. you don’t have to stay, because it’s what’s easier. you don’t have to stay when you’re uncomfortable. you don’t have to stay when your boundaries are constantly violated. you don’t have to stay when you aren’t treated well.
you don’t have to stay.
15. Shut Up.
you don’t always have to have something to say
or, perhaps, you can have something to say- but you don’t always have to say it.
there is power in silence.
there is peace in silence.
as stubborn as a mule, or as soft as feathers, i always had to get in the last word, make the last move. in muling, it came of pride. in feathering, it came of not wanting to hurt others’ feelings. oftentimes, it ended up just leaving an openness. an openness to conflict with others or an openness to unrest within myself. you don’t have to broadcast your every thought. sometimes people just want you to listen. they don’t always want your advice or thoughts. they just want to talk, or simply want to Be Heard. in a different drink at the same bar, i remember discourse around the phrase “if they wanted to, they would” a few months back. contradicting with the statement of “you want to and you haven’t.” which, can be true. however, humans function within pattern. if you are constantly talking and they are simply receiving…
some things really are better left unsaid.
16. There’s Always More. there was a time in 20 when i didn’t think it to go on.
i couldn’t see through the abyss.
people kept telling me it was going to get better, but that did nothing more than make me feel worse.
how could you be so sure when i am going through all of this? i’d think to ask.
but, it did… it did get better. and there Was more.
more experience, more happiness, more pain, more people, more love, more self, more growth, more peace.
there Is more. there Is Always More.
17. How To Code For A Scrambled Sentence In Python. a semester of introduction to computer science and programming using python and that is all i Know. nothing more.
18. For Everyone But You. sitting in an uncomfortable chair for hours as you listen to things of tradition. learning what all of the highest up members of your school are after three years of being unaffected with the lack of knowing. staring ahead with an empty mind. making facial expressions to your parents in section 112. oh, and the most important part, The Special One. the one that uses the opportunity of the title of commencement speaker to drone on about as much of their life they can fit within fourteen minutes. and if you’re not asleep by the end of it, you’ll hear it. the supposed point of the whole thing, held for the very last minute : “you! can! do! it!” wow. really life changing, huh? and of course, the moment of all moments: shuffling across a stage to receive your diploma Cover. dependent upon your school, you might find yourself still without that damned piece of paper almost four months later. i’ve learned it’s mostly For Other people. don’t get me wrong i am beyond thankful for the opportunity to even go to college, let alone graduate. and i am proud of myself for actually getting through it. however, i could have very much done without the ceremony.
i wasn’t there for me,
i was there for my family.
for my grandparents. for my parents. for all of the sacrifices they made for me to get there. for all of the love they gave.
simply for them
19. Some People Are Just Assholes. if someone treats you shittily, it has much more to do with them than it ever could you. and there’s often little, if anything, you can do to change the way they Choose to treat you. between watching our country go through the pandemic and my personal experiences with some, i’ve learned it’s as simple as that: some people are just assholes.
20. Strength In. most of my life, i’ve been known to be sensitive. a fan of hallmark movies. listener of love songs. cries during Those parts in television shows. avid writer of love letters to all i know. spends more time than the average person on picking out birthday cards and putting together birthday gifts. i simply feel a lot. and because of that, i always thought i was weak. however, i realized,
that is my strength. : that i feel everything so intensely.
i have emotional strength that others might lack.
and for that,
i am thankful.
i am strong.
as i lived of the year, the first four months of 20 were of 2020. as i’m sure most experienced, that time i was Broken. i needed to realign and reconnect with myself, who i was, and where i wanted to be. i just wanted peace. i So Desperately Needed peace. i took a break away, escaped to the slowness of home. and, it worked. the major portion of my year of 20 took place in 2021, returning to my Personal new normal, and figuring out where i was to go from there.
overall, it was a year of pain. of growth. of newness. change. healing. letting go. raging… peace.
it’s funny, actually. i was told 20 would be among the least significant years of my life. you’re an adult, but you kind of already experienced that at 18. you can’t legally drink yet. can’t rent a car. can’t do most of the things that make the 20s roaring.
it’s just one of those neutral, in-between times of your life.
and yet, i found mine to perhaps be the most significant year yet.
and that can only be my wish for this year. and the one after. and the one after that.
all the years. “to feel the rapture of being alive.”6
so, here’s to 21 ;
and all the unknown she’ll bring.
1Interstellar (Paramount Pictures, 2014).
2Kansas. “Dust In The Wind,” track #7 on Point of Know Return, Kirshner, 1977.
3Billy Joel. “Vienna,” track #5 on The Stranger (Legacy Edition), Columbia Records, 1977.
4Kurt Vonnegut, Slaughterhouse Five, or the Children's Crusade: A Duty-Dance with Death (New York City, NY: Dell Publishing, 1969).
5Grimes. “You’ll miss me when I’m not around,” track #8 on Miss Anthropocene, 4AD Ltd, 2020.
6Joseph Campbell, Bill D. Moyers, and Betty S. Flowers, The Power of Myth (Turtleback Books, 2012).
