what’s up?

the song what’s up by 4 non blondes was released in 1992 on 4 non blondes’s album “bigger, better, faster, more!” and then again in 1993 as the second of the album’s singles. now, i was not alive at this time. i wasn’t even thought of in my teenaged parents’ minds. nor have i presently reached the age of 25 the song so decidedly is stuck on.

HOWEVER, i genuinely believe linda perry was thinking of me when she wrote those words. every single lyric resonates with me so deeply.

my mom loved the song in my youth. she would listen to it over and over, saying it reminded her of helping out at her dad’s bar in Mobile. but, as i grew older, it simply left me. an orb, lost in the halls of long term memory.

until one day i was walking down the aisle at my old job in orlando and i hear it coming from the ceiling.

now, most of my coworkers expected… excited  behavior- from me as it relates to music.

i was always drilling in the back, bobbing my head up and down to whatever was playing.

dancing up and down the aisles, signing along in the last opening hour. but

This song.

when This song came on.

It was Different.

the first time i heard it on that month’s cd, i had a visceral reaction that could be seen from the frame shop all of the way up to the door that concussed me. and everytime it played since then, you’d hear over the radio from my coworker turned dearest friend, “dez it’s your song!!!”

the impact expanded beyond the four exterior walls of the store, of course.

 one night in this time i was going for my usual post-work 9:30 drive down alafaya, BLARING my playlist of that month with the windows rolled down.

now, i would like to say i ride with my windows down because i enjoy the night air. and, I Do, i really do-don’t get me wrong. however, truly, i can barely see through my tint during the day, so at night…

it is actually impossible.

i approached a red light, as i was singing along to tyler childers’ “all your’n.” i started hearing someone shouting at me. which, has happened a few times before.

usually an unwelcomed compliment of my appearance.

so, i reacted as usual- pretending like i couldn’t hear. but they kept shouting and i could have sworn i heard them say 

“DEZ!!!!!”

i gave an uneasy wide-eyed side eye to see a blue car next to me,

sunshine pouring out of it.

it was my dear aforementioned coworker. we laughed and she remarked that she loved that song, but was waiting on what’s up to play. it was all but my pleasure to inform her that it was Actually,,

already queued to play next.

in the time since, if you ask any of my closests within the year of 2021 a song that reminds them of me, “what’s up?” is among the most popular.

so, what IS up?

i’ve had a lot of people message me, asking why i haven’t been writing. and honestly… i kind of forgot. i have my routine. work and gym during the week. gym and the bar on saturdays. quality time on sundays. stay with a couple of my friends in orlando every 2-3 weekends.

to be honest, i’m at peace.

once the initial shock of “well this is my life for the next year” wore off, i realized

it’s really… not that bad.

this is actually a phenomenon that numerous people i know are experiencing. absolutely dreading the idea of moving back home, believing your world is falling apart. and, i mean, it does fall apart. life as you know it ends. but there’s Something there.

there is something about being here. it’s not exciting. it’s not full of somber.

it’s mundane.

it’s mundane in the most peaceful way.

and i think that’s what we all needed right now.

what I needed.

the past few years (especially the one of two thousand and twenty), life has been a rollercoaster for me.

ups and downs and twists and turns.

but the ups weren’t just ups. they were some of the best experiences of my life. they were the happiest i could fathom. memories i hope to keep forever.

but every peak was accompanied with an underlying feeling of dread.

at any unexpected moment, the drop could come. and it did.

it Always did.

and down i’d go, bottoming into valleys that went deeper into the abyss each time. experiences i don’t want to remember, let alone ever go through again. feelings that i could barely bring myself to find the words for.

it was fast,

it was loud,

it was exhilarating.

threw me from one side of the cart to the other.

i want life to consume me. i want to feel every inch of my scribble, experience it in its entirety. i want the moments that i pause and say “if this isn’t nice, i don’t know what is.” i want to be so happy i don’t think it can get any better. i want heartbreak. i want to grieve and move forward.

i want the rain and sun.

but nothing like it was.

i guess this is part of that perpetual growth,, eh? realizing there’s more. 

there is always more.

a year ago to yesterday, i was in the midst of one of those dips of the rollercoaster.

the furthest down it had ever gone.

and i wanted off.

i felt i needed to get off.

as i was putting together the words i wanted to leave for the carts behind me, i wrote to myself. as i was writing to myself, a change occurred on those tear stained pages. the words following it read:

“it would be so much easier. life isn’t supposed to be this hard, though. there has to be more. there HAS to be more than this. just breathe. just breathe through it. there has to be more, tiredness goes away with sleep. i will turn off my light, close my eyes, and sleep. and i’ll wake up tomorrow. and i’ll face it all again. and go to sleep. and wake up the next tomorrow. and do it over and over again until it gets easier and easier. i’m going to find out what’s more. i Have to find out what’s more.” 

i wrote those final sentences 20 more times. over and over again until the sobs turned into silent streams and as it drifted into sleep, the last paragraph concluded with

“for all of the love, laughter, happiness, sadness, growth, mourning, living, experiencing; i Need to feel the rapture of being alive.”

i woke up the next morning and as i was getting ready, i put my liked songs on shuffle. the first song was lil wayne’s “let it all work out” and the tears once again found me

and i faced it all over again.

in that moment, i wrote a mini version of the paragraph at the top of my mirror in expo marker. small enough to seem a blob of black ink, vague enough so that only i know the importance.

and later, i went to bed.

then woke up

and faced it all again.

and again.

and again.

i was right.

it did get easier.

some part of me knew it would. i simply had to pull her to the surface.

i am so thankful for those words.

that piece of me that found them. because i know not everyone is so lucky. 

i love the life i have lived in the year since.

in my 21 years of life,

this is my favorite one yet.

so, what’s up, really?

i’m content. i’m at peace. i love all of the wonderful kids i get to work with. their wonder. their unadulterated joy. their perpetual questioning. i dream of my own future classroom in all of the time between.

i love going to the gym first thing in the morning. to be such a morning person, it really only makes sense. ma has been joining me the past week. she always considered herself a morning person, that was, until it’s 4:30 in the morning and i’m excitedly dancing about the living room to loud music, while she’s still waking up. getting ready alone in the locker room afterwards, trying to hide the chills behind my work clothes (and possibly tears behind my hair) as i watch attack on titan from the screen of my phone.

i love my saturday nights people watching at our hometown bar, learning about those i never had the opportunity to meet. hearing stories i didn’t even know existed. the thrill of not knowing who’s next to walk through that wooden door. beginning the night sitting across the booth from one of my dearest friends, just the two of us, getting to catch up on every detail of each other’s week. and somehow, the booth always ending up pouring with people by the end of the night. but, my favorite part of it all. the events never seem to leave. it’s like everything that’s said, everything that’s done is absorbed into those walls, the chairs, tables, even the parking lot. you show your ass (both figuratively and literally) and the only memories of it are held in the inanimate (and the bartender when you return a couple weekends later).

i love my sunday morning ellianos recovery. always immediately followed by a reset-

like a breath of fresh air is my time with my flame of twin.

midmorning brunches, movie dates, gainesville drives, hikes just outside of town. coming home to evenings with my family.

bi/tri-weekends in orlando with my dearest love birds. their couch practically has my name on it. i love staying up until the morning, watching movies, playing games, listening to them excitedly talk about wrestling (i have no clue what they’re talking about, but they sure get into it), successfully escaping escape rooms. waking up a mere hours later to the quiet of their apartment. spending time with myself, writing, getting coffee, going to the gym, meeting other old friends of the city for breakfast. when they’ve gotten the rest they need, learning of which adventure of spontaneity we’re going on next. it’s like being with the piece of myself orlando will always hold. keeping her close for when i get to join her, to fully be her, once again in the season of summer.

and my current weekday afternoons, asking my little sister of her day. catching up on the latest of the fifth grade, sitting across from her at panera or starbucks as she explores about the worlds of roblox (or however that game works). i see so much of myself in her. but there’s something she has that i didn’t developed until this year. she has this strength. within herself. she is so sure of all She Does. she doesn’t care what other people think. she acts for her. she is unapologetic. which, perhaps explains her choice of birds of prey’s harley quinn for halloween (don’t worry, we watched the edited tv version, of course). enjoying rewatching episodes of the middle with her. laying in her room, as the timer ticks away, reading and annotating my copy of 2001: a space odyssey as she giggles to her another of geronimo stilton’s adventures.

see, life doesn’t always have to be hard to be worth your attention. doesn’t have to be breathtakingly amazing to be worth your affection.

sometimes the answer to “what’s up?” really is “nothing much.”

i am reveling in the peace of it all. taking the time in this season of my life to intentionally stop and, in the words of one Kurt Vonnegut, say, “if this isn’t nice, i don’t know what is.”

if this isn’t nice, i don’t know what is.

:)